This just in...

...from The Borowitz Report:

October 12, 2004
BUSH, KERRY ALLOWED TO CARRY WEAPONS IN FINAL DEBATE
Potentially Fatal Showdown in Tempe

As President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry prepare for their final debate tonight in Tempe, Arizona, the Debate Steering Committee has rewritten the ground rules for the televised showdown, allowing both men to carry concealed weapons with them onstage.

"We've heard the criticism that the debates have been too choreographed and controlled," said Jean Stovall, a spokesperson for the committee. "Hopefully, the promise that gunfire could break out at any moment will go a long way toward changing that perception."

Although the national television ratings for the second debate slid precipitously from the first one, Ms. Stovall denied that the introduction of concealed weapons is designed to "goose" the ratings of the third installment.

"This is all about giving two men who despise each other very, very much the means by which they can slay each other," Ms. Stovall said. "If that results in higher ratings, well, that's just gravy."

Both candidates took time out of their busy campaign schedules today to select weapons to carry onstage with them in the third debate, Mr. Bush choosing a Smith and Wesson six-shooter and Mr. Kerry opting for a combat knife from his tour of duty in Vietnam.

"I expect a lively discussion of the issues tomorrow night," said Mr. Kerry, brandishing the gleaming six-inch blade for reporters. "But if that bastard gets up in my grille, I'm going to cut him."

In other campaign news, President Bush toured areas devastated by Hurricane Ivan, and Sen. Kerry toured areas devastated by President Bush.